The Year of Twelve and Two Thousand

Happy New Year! I’m far too lazy to really write anything, but wordpress was pretty awesome and sent me a 2011 blog report with fireworks and all. Check it out!

http://toxiasankea.wordpress.com/2011/annual-report/

 

My Best Friend

A smile, a thumbs up. That was what it took for Taylor to start winning the title of my best friend.

The first time I met Taylor was when J1 brought him to church. He made absolutely no impression at all. I was actually more concerned with getting to know his sister, since she’s my age.

The second time I met Taylor was during the praise night I organized for our church. I was nervous about EVERYTHING and it must’ve been obvious. Taylor helped me out by guiding me through some of the process, and after I finished speaking he gave me that winning smile and a thumbs up. At that moment in time, it meant the world to me.

But it was only when Taylor started coming to praise team practices with J1 that I started to get to know him well. I can’t help but think back and chuckle. I had tried to help him find books in the bible, completely forgetting that he was a pastor’s kid. Alas, my everlasting failure to make connections in my mind until it’s too late.

Talyor turned out to be a really sweet kid. He was constantly willing to serve and help me out. His quiet demeanor and gentle nature put mine to shame. He was kind, not merely nice. More importantly though, I always thought I was the most patient person I knew until I met Taylor. It wasn’t that he didn’t have a hot head, it was that he truly had no temper to speak of. Taylor is the epitome of the spirit of patience, and that’s what makes him worthy of the title of my best friend.

Often times our selfish nature burns through everything and we let our tempers flare because that’s the easiest thing to do. It’s such wonderful, if momentary, satisfaction to snap and lash out. I’ve never seen Taylor do that. The most I’ve seen him irritated is silent. Everything about him is wrapped in this aura of patience and kindness and gentleness. He is, very honestly, one of the best people I’ve ever met. I think we all need a reminder that age doesn’t always mean things get better, and that we can always afford to learn a lesson, even if it comes from someone younger than us.

 

Personality -

Immature: I once met a girl who had absolute zero impulse control. Whatever came to her mind, she said it, she screamed it, she sobbed it. As a result, people babied her as if she were made of explosives. I’ve also met a lot of people who were immature in the fact that they just couldn’t take things seriously when they needed to. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to get things done and you have no choice but to work with these people.

Arrogant: I have friends who have this trait, and I’ve met people who have it even worse. It’s disgusting when someone thinks they’re so much better than you, no matter how to might sugarcoat it. Getting walked over because you’re not respected is no fun. Sadly, this is also my vice, so I’m not sure how this works out.

Stubborn: My brother is an excellent, prime example. When he gets it into his head to be stubborn, he is unwilling to listen to reason just because he doesn’t want to. Drives me up a wall, mostly because I can rarely out-stubborn him.

Helpless: I know, I know, this really shouldn’t be a pet peeve of mine because it makes me seem heartless, but it is. I really, really dislike people who can’t take care of themselves. Weakness just makes the worst parts of me boil up to the surface. I try not to drown in disdain. It’s even worse when these people cling to others to help them through their tough times and then claim to have done it by themselves. I’m not opposed to helping people, but again with the idea of arrogance.

Cruel: I’ve long accepted that teasing happens, and most of the times people don’t really mean it hurt (even if it does). But flat out cruelty makes my heart break. This is less of a pet peeve than it is a “I need to get away now.”

These being said, the things you don’t like in people say a lot about who you are. So, I try to not hate people. Easier said than done, of course, but hey, gotta try at least.

 

Personality +

Balanced: I really admire people who have an excellent balance in how their different personalities mesh together. For me, this means knowing when it’s okay to be crazy and have fun and when maturity and seriousness are needed. And it’s not just having both, it’s putting them seamlessly together. I’ve only really met two or three people who’ve really filled this role, and they’re both what society considers young adults. Not adults.

Strong: Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Tough choices need to be made in life, and those people who can make them and not crumble under the strain have my utmost respect. The same goes for those who walk through tough situations and never fail to get back up again, not the same, but complete. Forgiveness is key in this. You can’t hold onto the past and not be bitter.

Wise: Not gray-beard-and-spectacles wise, but “I can see from all viewpoints and know what’s best to do” sort of wise. I understand that often people who are wise are old, but I think that maturity brings its own brand of blindness. It’s hard to remember what it was like when you were young and stupid too.

 

Other traits are basically patience, kindness, and just a bit of fun. I honestly think it’s far too easy to be a bad person than it is to be a good person. Because good is average, which then makes it neutral. Sort of.

 

Good in the World

Today some of my best friends hurt me, and I’m sure they didn’t even realize they were doing it. Then as if to throw salt on the wound, although I hardly think it’s his fault, someone else told me that at one point or another even your best friends will choose themselves over you. What a bitter lesson.

Very recently I’ve considered myself a cynical person. I think the world is going down the drain and that society is propagating the very values that will tear us all apart.

But there are times when I’m reminded that there is still good in this world. The other day, a lot of my classmates were running around with their secret santa gifts. And it was just utter joy to see the boys so excited over remote control cars and helicopters while the girls fawned over plushies. Just like the elementary school days. That we could return to this simple happiness, even for a little bit, it brought a smile to my face.

Then, on Friday I went to the seventieth birthday party of my piano teacher. And she’s been married to her husband for forty years. They were adorable together, and it seemed to me that they never lost what they had so many years ago. In a world where people don’t even bother getting married, it was encouraging. And my own parents too, the way my dad took care of my mom, never leaving her alone.

It’s very easy to get caught up in your own problems and how terrible everything is, but never fear. For now, at least, there is still good in the world. Let’s try not to be blind to it.

 

A Breed of Writers

Hello my invisible readers! Here comes the post that is long, long overdue. I don’t have too much of an excuse, besides the fact that I was doing NaNo in November, and WON! But then I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything for days. So, yes. Anyways, this isn’t exactly the greatest post to start off with, so please excuse the snarikness.

Writers are a curious breed of people. Throughout my life, I’ve met several writers, and although I don’t think that my observations should be applied all writers, I’ve discovered an irksome trend.

From both experience and observation, I’ve seen that writers tend to be born out of isolation. We are the social outcasts of society, the ones left out of popularity. Often we are lonely and sometimes depressed, and thus we find refuge in words.

However, once this refuge is found, it becomes a point of pride. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I have seen it extend to a point where it becomes ridiculous. Many of the writers I’ve met suddenly feel the need to establish how un-pop-cultured they are. They desperately shove away anything that suggests that they might actually have some semblance of normalcy. God forbid writers be normal! And so they bash the mainstream, basking in the arrogance of that which is unaccepted. Writers must be crazy, they must be nerdy, they must be unaccepted by the world as a whole. They must love Dr. Who, and Homestuck, and steampunk, but only so long as popular culture doesn’t pick these things up.

Although I still identify with these people as fellow writers, I cannot help but disdain their sheer desperation and attempts to create an elitist society.

And yet, even among the writer’s society, those who are most successful are shunned. J.K Rowling. Suzanne Collins. Stephanie Meyer. Not to their faces of course, because who would dare, and who has the chance anyways? But certainly on the forums, on their facebooks, on blogs. Why? Shouldn’t the greatest of our art be admired and respected? But no, because by becoming successful, these writers have effectively betrayed the “spirit” of being a writer. Of coming from the realms of unacceptance. Suddenly these writers have become accepted and popular, and that is, apparently, the deepest crime a writer can commit. So those writers still stuck in the muck of unpublishment rip these authors apart. Their plots, their characters, their values – all the while writing novels that will likely collect dust instead of acceptance. It is conveniently forgotten that not every little thing in a book can please everyone. Instead, the writers are merely frauds, carried along by the stupid masses into fame.

Undoubtedly, as a writer, I exhibit some of these traits. I cannot deny that I am often elitist and arrogant. After all, this post is testimony to that. But I know that not everything that comes from mainstream society should be shunned, and not every writer who makes it big should be torn apart.

So here’s to the writers in my life, because as much as you mean to me, this may very well be you!

 

Primeval

Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time driving by myself, so I started listening to the radio. At first I tuned the stations to the typical popular pop stations that play bands such as Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, Maroon Five, and the like. But the more I listened, the more I was disturbed.

The music a generation listens to says a lot about that generation because music is among some of the most powerful things in the world. And I’m afraid for our generation. The songs I listened to were very raw. Not in the sense of screaming or excessive drumming, but rather in the lyrics. Of course there were plenty of songs about love, but even those seemed corrupted. It seemed to me that there was too much about instant gratification. Freedom. Being careless. The now. Screw the world and do what you want.

Not only was the materialism rampant, but also the sense of irresponsibility. I’ve spent enough time around my generation to know that not everyone like this. But I have seen a lot of this music reflected in the lives of people around me. And understanding that these are the concepts that are being idealized is a terrifying thought. I’m not sure I want to be stuck in a world that values frivolity and carelessness.

Perhaps I’m being too judgmental and opinionated, and perhaps I haven’t seen enough to understand that people change. But all of this is disheartening.

I hope that I’m wrong.

 

Best Friends

There are those people who go through life without really needing a best friend, relying only on themselves. I imagine it’s a pretty lonely life. I’ve been fortunate enough to have several best friends in my life, most of them keeping close as I grew up.

I always used to define my best friends as the people I trusted the most and share everything with and would do anything for. Best friends should have those qualities. Otherwise what would they really be worth? But slowly I’ve been realizing that it’s more than that.

I think that the true best friend is the one that can forgive you for hurting them. It’s that devotion and loyalty that makes them “best.” Friendship is a relationship after all – it’s not just one person giving and taking. It’s two. What good they give to you, you hope to give back.

I’ve inadvertently hurt a lot more people than I have ever wanted to hurt in my life. But I’ve been so fortunate. They’ve been able to forgive me, take me back, wish me well. And it’s their friendships that I’m most grateful for to this day. I may trust other people more than I trust them, just because of circumstances, but their friendship has a different kind of worth. A worth that makes these friendships best.

It’s always that which is undeserved that is most precious.

 

Here We Go Again

Once upon a time, everyone was young and naïve and lost in the utter joy of the world. Then growing up happened.

And we all changed.

Most of the times, I look back on my life and regret nothing. It’s fairly easy to say that things have turned out really well for me. But when life brings you out of one trouble only to plunge you into another, it’s hard not to miss the innocence of childhood. I don’t know how things are going to turn out this time around. They usually come out for the better, but I’ve long learned that experiencing trials is nothing like remembering them.

Still, understanding the reasons for these trials eases the hardship, if marginally. Without the troubles that I went through when I was younger, I would not be the same individual I am today. I would not have learned everything that I have. Occasionally, it frightens me when I wonder who I might be if I had not gone through the difficulties I experienced. Understanding that I will come out of this a better person gives me strength to plow on.

Knowing that you are not alone also helps too. I’ve experienced firsthand how excellent people are at deception. Those who voice their troubles loudly are often the least afflicted. The unspoken trials are the ones that hurt the most. All around me I see people who seem content with their lives, but I wonder what lurks under the smiles and the laughter. I know I have tribulations hidden under mine. And sometimes bearing other people’s troubles is a lot simpler than facing your own.

But I think most of all, the people around us are the ones who keep us afloat when we are ready to drown. I have the greatest comforter of them all by my side, and I’ve seen the great difference it makes. But I also have wonderful friends that I love and trust. The friendship they return to me motivates me to keep going.

Yet sometimes all the comfort in the world cannot take away the emotions that plague us.

In the end, I think everyone should understand that life will be life, and sometimes there’s nothing we can do about it. What we can do is shape our responses. Our reply to life will change the course of our futures. I want to continue to live my life without regrets. I will choose to respond to my challenges in such a way that even if things don’t turn out the way I want them to, I will be able to smile and say, “I tried my best.”

So, here we go again.

 

A Little More Happiness

Today I read a friend’s application essay that he wrote about Lord of the Rings. I thought it was pretty cool. Then this friend asked me to help him by giving him critiques. I immediately said yes – I love to help people with their writing.

Only later did it occur to me that if I helped him, I would put myself at a disadvantage. It was an ugly, sad thought. I did think about for a little bit though, wondering about my strategy. But then I decided it didn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter.

A while ago, I decided that I wanted to be known as the nice girl. I wanted to be the one that everyone could ask for help, that everyone could count on. In all honestly, this might be because I cannot stand to be hated. But I think that it’s more because I feel that people need help. I don’t want to see all this hurt surrounding me when I could be relieving it. Sometimes I’m at loss at what to do, but I want to try all the same. I would want someone to be there for me, after all

Besides, not everyone gets a chance to use an essay to bring a little more happiness into another person’s life.