Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Twenty

I don’t particularly like this part. Written in too much of a rush to be worth anything. Filler action, I guess.

 

There’s a letter in Ryna’s hands when we sit down to dinner the next day.

Oh no. What has Elyn done?

I look at her. She meets my eyes, and I see the determination in them. I struggle to keep my face clear of emotions as Ryna tosses the letter at Jaen’s face. He flinches and picks the letter up from the floor. Smoothing it out, he begins to read it.

“Out loud, my betrothed.” Ryna says, her voice edging on a snarl. She’s holding back her temper, I realize, holding it back to see how Jaen reacts.

“Dear Jaen, since you have not left Ryna, I’m assuming that you don’t care for me enough. I know there’s nothing I can do to make you love me, and I don’t expect anything else. I just thank you for being in my life and I want you to know that even though I’m letting you go, you will always have a friend and ally in me. I wish you all the best.” Jaen pauses, looking up, “That’s it. There’s no name signed.”

“Well?” Ryna asks.

“Well what? It’s another letter. I have no control over what people send me.” Jaen’s voice is blank and neutral.

Ryna’s mouth twists, but then Soli shouts, “What’s wrong with you all?! This used to be the happiest place I knew! And now–” A sob chokes her words, “Can’t you just solve the problem? I want my family back!”

Soli runs out of the room, crying, knocking over her chair as she flees. Aerin gets up and hurries after her. Elyn gets up very precisely, as if not wanting to disturb anything, then follows Aerin out. Ryna looks like somebody slapped her. She shouts in frustration and kicks her chair flying, leaving the room in a storm. I’m suddenly very aware that Jaen and I are alone. And he knows it too. Leaning forward, he thrust the letter at me, “Zylin, you have no idea how I—don’t you think that this isn’t – do you really – I–”

He suddenly stops talking, then pulls something from his pocket and slaps in onto the table. “Tell me what that means to you. Because I know what it means to me.”

Then he, too, storms out, leaving me alone. I gingerly pick up what he put on the table. It’s the picture of us that I found in his pocket. Of us. Laughing. Together. Ryna must’ve not told him that I didn’t send the letter.

“But I didn’t.” I protest quietly. But there’s no one to hear me.

 

Eventually everyone returns, one at a time. The only one who doesn’t is Soli. Dinner is a silent affair. When we finish, Ryna’s the first to get up. Her voice in uncharacteristically quiet as she apologizes, “I’m really sorry, all of you. I’m really sorry that things have been so terrible lately. I’m sorry that I can’t keep a rein on my temper. I’m sorry for everything.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it’s not your fault.”

Ryna smiles weakly, “Thank you. But it is my problem. And…Soli’s right. We need to solve it. I want my family back too.” She takes a deep breath, “So, Jaen and I are going to get officially married in two weeks.”

Elyn’s fork clatters. She stares, then smiles widely. I wonder if I’m the only who can tell it’s fake, “Congratulations!”

“It’s about time.” Aerin smiles. I add my well wishes to their automatically. That’s it then. Elyn’s hopes, my hopes, they’re done. No more “what ifs.” No more problems.

They’re getting married.

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Nineteen

“Are you going to ask Tezion to betroth you?”

The question is like stab in my gut, “Uh, what?”

Ryna waves her fork in the air, “Oh, don’t pretend. I saw you two making out in front of our door a several days ago.”

“I—we were not making out!”

A laugh, “Really, Zylin, there’s no need to be embarrassed about it.”

“Really, Zy?” Soli asks, “I knew you two were dating, but I didn’t know it was this far.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Elyn points a mockingly accusing finger at me, “I’m offended!”

“We weren’t dating!” I protested.

“I’m not sure what you call dating if not that, Zy.” Aerin comments mildly. I can see the warning glimmering in her eyes.

“Oh, fine. We were dating. I didn’t ask him to be my betrothed.”

Soli murmured, “But why? He’s a fine man.”

“I know. He’s very nice, but he’s not…right for me.” I shrug. I glance at Jaen, who’s been silent for the entire exchange. He’s looking down at his food, knuckles white. When he looks up and meets my eyes, he looks away quickly.

“At least you know to release him back into the sea.” Elyn says. She’s so serious saying it that it takes a few heartbeats of time before anyone gets the joke.

“I say you should catch him again, Zy.” Ryna laughs. I roll my eyes and stand up, taking my empty plate with to the sink. On my way out of the dining room, Ryna catches my sleeve, “You know I didn’t mean it, right?”

I smile at Ryna, “I know.”

I hesitate a moment, then hug Ryna briefly. As I leave the room, I sigh. Things have quieted down, and I’m glad of it. The problems still hang in the air, but at least nothing drastic has happened since.

I’m sitting at my desk trying to dredge up the creativity to compose a new song for the band when there’s a knock on the open door. I turn and see a menacing shadow in the doorway. My heart leaps to my throat, but then the shadow takes another step forward and I see it’s Elyn. I sigh in relief. I’m really too jittery.

“Thought I was here to stab you?” Elyn jokes.

I wince and force a laugh, “I guess it’s made me really nervous.”

There’s no need to elaborate on what “it” is. Elyn doesn’t say anything. I clear my throat, “Um, so is there something you need me for?”

I can’t imagine Elyn needing me for anything. She’s a powerful girl. So it really surprises me when she closes the door and sit heavily down on my bed, “Can…can I talk to you?”

“Me?”

Elyn makes a face, “Yes. I would go to Aerin or Soli, but they would fuss over me too much.”

“Um, sure. What is it?”

Elyn draws a deep breath. No dithering for her, “I love Jaen.”

My head swirls with the words. It’s her. It’s her. She’s the letter sender, the competition I never dreamed I would have. Oh. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. I never expected her to…no! The shock must be painted all over my face.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

There’s a moment of horror in which I think Elyn knows I like Jaen. Then I brush it away. Aerin would never do that to me.

“F-for what?”

“Loading my problems on you. I…I don’t know what you’re dealing with, but I know it’s not pleasant.” She sighs again, “I just needed to tell somebody.”

I get up from my desk and sit next to Elyn, studying her. Her eyeshadow is slightly smudged, she has bags under her eyes, and her mouth is turned down slightly. She’s done such a good job of hiding the signs of anything being wrong. I’ve never noticed before. But now there’s no mistaking the desperation in her eyes. She really does love Jaen. At least as much as I do. Without reservations. My heart seizes. What am I supposed to do?

“Zy?”

I hug Elyn, “I’m so sorry.”

The girl is stiff under my arms for a moment, then, unexpectedly, she reaches out and hugs me back. We don’t need words. After a while Elyn release me. I ask, “So, what are you going to do?”

“You don’t think it’s terrible of me? To love a betrothed man?”

“When do you ever care what others think of you?”

“This is different.”

“I…” Was it terrible of her? Was it terrible of me? “I think that it’s not terrible of you to love him, even though he’s betrothed to someone else. I think it’s what you do in response to your love that defines whether or not it’s terrible.”

Elyn considers my words. Then she smiles, “Thank you, Zy. I think that’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

She hugs me, then leaves. Just like that.

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Eighteen

I stayed with Jaen for a month, the amount of time that the healers deemed he needed to stay before he could return home. It was irresponsible of me. But I couldn’t help myself. He wanted me to stay, and I didn’t want to go. Ryna stayed with me. I guess that was a good thing. We talked a lot. Or, she talked and I listened. I feel as if she still doesn’t really know what to think of me, but at least she’s not shoving me anymore. Occasionally the other girls came to visit. Elyn came more often than the others. She sculpted while she was there. In fact, she used up so many supplies that I went out to buy more for her. She usually prefers buying them herself, but she was in the throes of a creative surge.

I fumble with the door, hoping that I’ve come in time for Elyn. Suddenly a hand lands on my shoulder. The image of Jaen’s pale body, knife handle protruding from his chest flashes in my mind. Fear shoots through my veins but before I can do anything, the hand swivels me around. Relief floods through me as I recognize it’s Tezion.

“You’re back.” I can tell he’s striving for casual, but the undercurrent of desperation is too strong.

“Yes, I’m back.”

Tezion studies me, eyes locking with mine as if searching for something. Very gently, he takes the bags of supplies from me and sets them on the ground. Then he takes my hand in his, “Zylin–”

I don’t let him finish, “Tezion…I can’t.”

I wanted to be firm, but my voice quavers. He slides an arm around my waist, pulling me tight against him. I try to protest, but then he’s kissing me, lips warm and soft against mine. He hasn’t kissed me since the day at the beach. Then it was so obvious that it just wasn’t the same. Now, it was like falling into a trap. I had been depending on him too much as my refuge, my solace, my comfort. It’s excruciatingly tempting to let him hold me, and to let him kiss me, and to let him sweep me off my feet. Wouldn’t it be so easy to let him solve my problems? I almost give in.

But I know I can’t. No matter how much I try, I will never love him like I…like I love Jaen. I push against his chest, but this time he doesn’t let go. Now his kisses are tinged with anger, made sharp. I push harder, turning my head, “Tezion, stop!”

He does, but he doesn’t let go. His silver eyes are burning as he looks – no, glares – at me, “Zylin, why can’t you be happy with me? Any other girl–”

“Any other girl!” I cry, giving up. “You can have any other girl! Why me? Why me when you know that I’ll never love you the way that you love me?!”

“I don’t care. Just…can’t you?”

“No. I can’t, Tezion. I,” The confession catches in my throat, “I do love you. Just not enough.”

Silence. I feel his hands curl into fists behind my back. I feel my words thickening in the air. I should’ve never said anything. It’s too late to take them back now.

“Tezion, it wouldn’t be fair.”

“You could change.”

“I could, but I don’t think I will.”

He has nothing to say. Finally, he looks away and lets me go. I can’t bear to watch him walk away.

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Seventeen

My hands are trembling as I untack Moon Shadow, slipping the bridle from her head. Hanging up the bridle, I force myself to walk slowly across the fields towards the infirmary, even though my heart aches to race forward. The urge to break into a run becomes almost unbearable as the elegant building comes into sight. I climb the short ramp onto the deck, where the same white beds are neatly placed. Walking around them, it doesn’t take too long for me to see Jaen.

I react. My heart leaps and my pulse quickens, I feel an unreasonable joy lift my mind, unexplained adrenaline shoot through my veins. A smile tugs at my lips; he’s okay. He’s really okay.

And then I see Ryna next to him. They haven’t seen me yet, they’re too focused on one another. But Ryna looks up and makes eye contact with me. I can visibly see the happiness drain from her form, and for a split second, I can acutely feel her pain. The fear that she’s going to lose the love of her life to someone she offered to shelter, to take care of. The betrayal runs deep.

Aerin’s words echo in my mind. Swallowing hard, I take another step forward and ask, “Ryna, can I talk to you?”

Immediately Ryna’s eyes narrow with suspicion, but she rises from the chair by Jaen’s bed, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Soon she joins me, and I walk slowly off until we reach the ramp up the infirmary. I can feel her presence by my side, but I don’t dare to turn and look at her. Taking a deep breath, I muster up my courage. Turning, I look her in the eye, attempting to keep my voice steady, “Ryna, I promise on my life that I did not send that note.”

A little flicker of shock runs across Ryna’s face. This isn’t what she’s expecting. But I watch as she flashes me a wary look, and then relaxes. I can suddenly see the Ryna I remember from the first days in Lumasol, the bright soul who took me so willingly into her care, “Thank you, Zy. I’m…I’m really sorry that I blew up at you. I just…” she sighs, “I love Jaen. And I’m so afraid that I’m going to lose him. That someone is going to take him away.”

I hide a flinch. Ryna doesn’t notice. She continued, a quavering laugh in her voice, “I guess I’m being paranoid, right? I mean, we’re betrothed.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

We stand in the soothing quiet for a few moments. The Ryna glances back at Jaen, then at me, “I’ll leave you two for a while. I know you’ve become one of his best friends.”

Then Ryna turns and leaves, walking away, not looking back. By the way her shoulders are tensed, I can tell how much effort it took to say the words and actually follow them through. Guilt surges through me again. I’m such a monster, coming here, being taken care of, and then turning to wreck agony on the ones who helped me.

But not even this can stop me. Slowly, I walk towards Jaen. His eyes are closed, and his skin is paler than it should be. The thin blankets are pulled up, covering the place where he was wounded. I can still see the white edge of bandages though. The sight makes me swallow hard.

Jaen sighs, his eyes closed. They flutter open and focus on me. My hearts seizes as I sit down, not sure how Jaen will receive me. His voice is whispery, and I have to strain to hear the words, “You came.”

I swallow a lump in my throat. “Of course I came.”

Jaen closes his eyes and his lips pull up into a weak smile, “Just like the old times.”

“Just like the old times.”

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Sixteen

“Don’t you have practice to go to, Zy?” I glance listlessly up at Aerin. My brain is slow, and it takes me a long time understand. When I do, I choose not to respond. Instead, my gaze shifts slowly from Aerin to the T.V. in front of me. It’s off, but what does it matter? Everywhere I look, my mind splattered bloody images onto the surfaces. It’s even worse when I close my eyes.

It’s been three days since Jaen has been taken away. They say he’s recovering. Ryna is staying with him. They’re at the infirmary that I stayed at. Somehow it seems so wrong. It should be me there with Jaen. It’s only right. He nursed me back to health. I should be there for him like he was for me.

But he has Ryna… The nagging voice inside my head is relentless, battling with my desire to ride out and see Jaen.

“Zy…” Aerin sighs. I don’t look at her, but I feel her sliding down to sit next to me, putting an arm around my shoulder. It’s a little comfort, to know that she’s with me, but not nearly enough.

“Zylin…you can’t keep going like this.”

“No. I can’t.”

I hear Aerin take a deep breath then release it slowly, “Go.”

This startles me, “Go?”

“Go see Jaen. You’re not going to be able rest until you do. Just…just remember: every action has it consequences. You need to be careful.”

Having Aerin’s approval shatters all my other doubts. I stand up immediately, making a mental list of what I need to bring. Then I stop and look back at Aerin. There are dark bags underneath her eyes, and her mouth is pulled down in a shallow frown. She looks so worried. Suddenly I feel guilty for all the trouble I’ve brought down onto her and I reach down to hug her, “I’m so sorry, Aerin.”

Aerin’s arms tighten around me, “I love you, Zy. I’ll keep going for you.”

The promise brings tears to my eyes, “I love you too.”

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dreams: Part Fifteen

Tezion has deserted me. After I refused to go out with him, I haven’t seen him around Lumasol. In a way, it’s comforting – not having to deal with him and all the emotions that are tangled up around him. In other ways, it’s terrible – missing his comfort, his stability, his warmth. I don’t even know what to think anymore.

Strangely, things seem to go on as normal. There’s still uneasiness in the house, so Jaen and I still stay late at practices. But we all go through our routines, mindlessly, stepping carefully, as if trying not to tread upon a mine. It’s like drowning in a tank made of one-way mirrors. You can see out, but no one can see in. There’s no one to help you.

And Jaen. I’m even more confused about Jaen. What am I supposed to make of him? After that practice? After that picture? Now he goes along with Ryna, not making trouble. He makes a quiet effort to stay by her side constantly, as if he longs to be with her. And he’s avoiding eye contact with me – again. I’m unbelievably disoriented. Sometimes I think he loves me and that staying with Ryna is not his choice; other times he refuses to acknowledge that I exist at all.

I’ve long forgotten about the memories I’ve lost. I’ve made enough painful ones in Lumasol to make up for all the lost ones, surely.

Surely.

My head swirls with these thoughts as I walk home from practice. Jaen is not with me. I left much later than he today, trying to lose myself in the piano. It’s dark outside, the street lamps flickering with a gentle, golden light. The air is cool, but not too cold. It should be unpleasantly hot, considering the time of year, but things are always so comfortable in Illysiim. At least, physically. Regardless, it feels nice. The air is silken against my skin. If I just keep walking, will I be able to outlast unhappiness?

My answer comes in the form of a dark shape out on the sidewalk.

I’m not nervous as I approach it, but I am unsure; the people of Lumasol are very careful of keeping their streets and sidewalks clean. As I get closer, it becomes apparent that the dark shape is someone collapsed in the street. That’s unusual too. There are also very few drunkards. Those who do become addicted are typically caught and sent away promptly. When I finally reach the person, I kneel and tug him onto his back.

My breath catches in my throat, and though I want to scream, I can’t. Sheer panic grips me.

It’s Jaen.

The front of his shirt is stained in a dark color, but the cloying, metallic tang in the air is all I need to know that it’s blood. Nausea rises up thick and fast as I see the handle of a knife sticking out of his chest. Black dots dance before my eyes; I must be hyperventilating.

Finally, the scream breaks loose. It’s a siren of sound, bouncing of the walls, louder than I hoped for. Then I break down into sobs, paralyzed with fear, not knowing what to do, only knowing that Jaen is dying in front of me. Dying.

I don’t realize how close I am to the house until Elyn is kneeling beside me. She, too, seems devastated, her black-painted fingernails clutched into tight fists. Her face is tense, etched with lines of dismay.

“Do something!” I plead, barely choking the words out. I’ve never come across a situation like this before. But as soon as the thought crosses my mind, pain lashes like lightning across my head.

Blood. Swords. Screaming.

The memory fragment lashes by so quickly it’s hard to register it, but it’s so painful it leaves me crumbled next to Jaen, mouth opened in a silent scream. Through the veil of agony, I see Aerin dash out of the house. Her expression is horrified, and she runs back into the house. No…no…Jaen needs help. I struggle back to my knees, but another wash of pain forces me to hunch over, gagging. The tears streak my cheeks – tears of pain and frustration.

Suddenly a cool hand is rubbing my back in rhythmic circles, soothing me. I force back the anguish and look at my comforter. It’s Aerin, her eyes wide. I shoot Jaen a panicked look, “Aerin! He-”

“Shh, Zylin. Shh. Help is coming. They’ll help him. Okay?”

I look at Jaen again, heart thumping wildly. He has to be okay. He has to be. Instead, I see Elyn kneeling next to him, her hands putting pressure around the knife wound. Her dark eyes are grim, her hands splattered with blood. Regret pulses through me; that should be me, helping Jaen. Instead, I can hardly deal with myself.

“How long?” My voice is a dry, terrified whisper.

“Soon.”

Even as Aerin answer me, I hear the scream of a siren cut through the normally quiet night. The flashing lights make the panic surge up in me again, but Aerin holds me gently down with a reminder to breathe. I mutely watch as a one of the few cars in Lumasol rumbles up the road. The world seems to go silent as people jump out and rush around us. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but they make Elyn let go. They surround Jaen, and I don’t quite comprehend as they put him on a stretcher. Then they start to wheel him into the van. Suddenly sound comes crashing back, and I jump up; they’re taking Jaen away.

“No!” I start towards Jaen, but Aerin is there again, holding me back. Her eyes cut from me to someone else. I follow her gaze, ready to argue when I see Ryna for the first time. She’s in one of her fancy party dresses, but her lips are pressed into a grim line and her eyes are magnified by unshed tears. Seeing her finally knocks some sense into me. No, I can’t go with Jaen. Not now. Weakly I ask Aerin, “Will he be okay?”

Please.

“They’ll take care of him, Zy. You were much worse than he is.”

Much worse. I’m not sure if I believe her. I watch as Ryna climbs into the van and the vehicle peels away, racing down the streets away from Lumasol. My eyes drift listlessly to the darkened sidewalk, where splashes of blood are soaking into the cement. I manage to strangle my scream into a whimper, and throw myself into Aerin’s arms.

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Fourteen

I’m losing momentum again for this…so, we’ll see when I pick it back up again.

~

Ding-dong!

The toll of the doorbell cuts through my disturbed sleep and draws me back into the world of reality. Groggily, I get up, wondering who it could be.

“Zy! It’s Tezion!”

Of course.

“Coming! Tell him I need a moment.”

I roll out of bed and rub my temples, trying to shake off the sleepiness and despair that clings to me. I slip into jeans and a t-shirt before heading downstairs. Soli is at the door, holding it open for Tezion. The young man grins when he sees me, and sweeps me into a tight hug. The events of last night are still too fresh in my mind, and I push away from Tezion. I can’t handle this right now; I can’t deal with it. Thankfully, Tezion lets go, flashing another bright smile, “Good morning!”

“Good morning.” I force my tone to be brighter than I feel.

“Zy, I’m going to make breakfast. There’ll be some for you – if you want it.” Soli says, retreating up the stairs, “Nice seeing you, Tezion.”

“You too, Soli.” But Tezion’s attention quickly returns to me, “Would you like to go out today?”

“Go…out?”

“Yes, to the beach again? Or would you prefer something else?”

I lean against the door way, trying hard to compose myself. Tezion catches on, “Are you okay, Zy? Not sick?”

“No, no. Not sick. I just…I just can’t deal with this right now Tezion.”

“Deal with what?”

I can only shake my head, closing my eyes, trying to shut everything out. Tezion’s question has brought the too fresh memories surging forward, breaking whatever control that I had established. I tremble. I hear Tezion step forward and try to put an arm around me to comfort me. Perhaps before I would have collapsed into them, but now I stumble backwards and slump to the floor, my hands held up in protest, “Please…Tezion. I can’t- I can’t-”

I’m too conflicted. Before I wasn’t sure if Jaen even felt the same way about me, but now…now that there’s a chance that he does, things are too confusing. This time, I can’t flee to Tezion because he only complicates things so much more.

“Zy…” I hear Tezion’s tone shift, the natural warmth gone from his voice, “It’s him, isn’t it? It’s always been him.”

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes tightly shut. No, no, no. I need to be left alone.

“Zylin. I love you. Let me know when you realize that.”

With that, the door clicks shut, leaving me rocking back and forth, curled up in a ball. All alone.

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Thirteen

Short part, so double posting for the novella. Yay~

~

It’s quite late by the time I manage to piece myself back together and return home. The house is dark as I push the door open. Padding up the stairs, I hear the soft sounds of our T.V. still running. I walk into the living room, and by the T.V.’s flickering light I can make out Jaen and Ryna asleep together on the couch, leaning against each other. My eyes sting, and my throat tightens, but I can’t look away from Jaen. Even in his sleep he looks so worn, the bruise on his cheek an ugly purple now.

With a soft sigh, I turn the television off and fetch a blanket for the two. As I drape it over them, I notice something peeking out of Jaen’s shirt pocket. Curiosity overcomes me and I surreptitiously slip it out. At first I don’t recognize it, partly because it’s dark, but mostly because the joy that radiates from it doesn’t feel like it fits in any part of my life. How can it be so happy? But then I remember. It’s one of Soli’s photographs, one from the night after my first performance. Jaen and I are laughing – laughing! – Jaen’s arm around me as he tickles me. How long ago that seems. Did Jaen carry this around with him all the time?

“Zylin…” Jaen breathes, and I freeze, blushing in mortification at being caught. My eyes flicker sheepishly to his face. But he’s still asleep. Is he dreaming about me?

Biting my lip, I slip the photo back into Jaen’s pocket, and, after a moment’s hesitation, run my fingers along the side of his cheek.

I flee to my room.

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dreams: Part Twelve

Took a bit of a break. Catching up with homework.

~

If things had been awkward after I had run away from Jaen and went into a period of reclusion, things are even worse this time. Tensions are running high in the house, and keeping all of us in such close proximity is not helping things. Aerin must have informed Soli and Elyn about what had occurred while they were gone. However Aerin did it, it must have made an impact, because even outspoken Elyn hasn’t uttered a peep. I can tell it’s painful though, especially for Soli, to see her “little family” so distant from each other. She tries to compensate by cooking more food. Elyn spends more time in her room. Aerin sits at her desk and tries to write, but I’ve seen her grip a pen so tight it shattered in her hand.

It’s the way that Ryna has been coping that I can barely deal with. It’s as if every since that argument, she’s felt the need to reassure herself that Jaen is her betrothed, as if she wants to proclaim it to the world that Jaen belongs to her. The way she forces him to walk hand in hand with her, the way she demands him to hug her, the way she drapes herself over him, the way she kisses him as if she’s afraid he’s going to disappear. I can barely watch. I don’t know how he deals with it. In fact, I’m not sure if he is.

So far, Jaen has kept up a better façade than I did; he hasn’t missed a single practice. In fact, Jaen spends ridiculously long amounts of time at practice. I’ve patterned my own schedule to follow his, so Ryna won’t be suspicious. But we arrive at practice long before it starts and we leave long after the rest of the band has. All that extra time I’ve been spending with him hasn’t been helpful either. He spends most of it staring at his drums, or alternatively, beating the heck out of them. I simply sit at the piano bench, watching him. I don’t know if he notices.

It’s where I am now. My knees are drawn up to my chin, my arms wrapped around my legs as I watch Jaen. His eyes are closed, and a cacophony of rhythm fills the room to the brim as his arms fly. Watching him play fills me with awe; I still don’t understand how it’s mentally possible to play a different beat with each limb. Then, without warning, the drums stop with the suddenness of the slamming of a door. In the middle of his cadences, Jaen has stopped playing. The drum sticks hang loosely in his fine fingers, almost slipping through. His entire stance is completely dejected. Lost. As if he has no more to live for. He slowly lowers his forehead and lets it rest on the drum in the middle, allowing the drum sticks to drop to the carpeted floor.

Against all my rational thoughts, I uncurl myself from the piano bench and walk over to him. I reach out to touch him, but then I stop, biting my lip. Will it make things worse? But how can things get any worse? I place my hand on his shoulder and realize he’s trembling.

“Jaen…” I don’t know what to say. What can I say that will comfort him? Abruptly, Jaen stands up, knocking aside his careful arrangement of drums. Before I really understand what’s happening, I feel Jaen’s arm slide around my waist and pull me tight to him. I’m shocked, my arms pinned between us, resting against his chest. We stumble against a wall and all I can think of is how warm Jaen is, how firm his heart feels, beating in his chest. My own flutters like the wings of a hummingbird.

What is he doing?

Jaen sighs, his breath caressing my face. His black eyes are only inches from mine. His face is carved into an expression of such agony. I close my eyes. Such sorrow mingling with such beauty – it’s breaking me apart. I can feel Jaen now. Every place I’m touching him burns with awareness. He pulls the back of his fingers over my cheek in a gentle caress, leaving trails of fire. And I know that his lips are so close to mine. So close. They sigh a word so soft I barely recognize it – my name, over and over again, like a mantra. His voice catches, and I can hear the pain in his voice. He’s trembling. But I’m frozen. I can’t move.

And then he’s gone.

My eyes snap open. The world seems like ice now, without Jaen’s arms around me. He’s standing on the other side of the room now, staring at me with a bleak expression. The door slams and he disappears.

The room spins dizzily and I slide down the wall to the floor, silent sobs racking my body. The tears slip down my cheek and I hide my face in my hands. When did I become so weak?

What had he done?

 

Broken Heart Shattered Dream: Part Eleven

So….I don’t think I’m going to be writing a real post in a while. I’m finally getting back on track with my creative writing, even if it is with this ridiculous romance. I ought to do something about the cheesy endings. And the cheesy title. I’m thinking about simply changing it to Zylin.

~

The sun has long since set by the time I return home. Tezion accompanies me to the door, and before I reach out to unlock it, he grabs my shoulder, “Remember, I’ll be here, okay?”

“Okay.”

Then Tezion sweeps me into a powerful hug, pressing me against his firm chest for several seconds. I can feel his heart beating. And then he releases me, looking me in the eyes, his own silver orbs burning. Then he simply walks away, leaving me breathless. It takes me a few moments to unlock the door and step in. I don’t know what I expect.

All is quiet. There are no marks on the walls and the hall way is dark. I close the front door behind me and let my eyes adjust. The darkness slowly recedes and I find myself facing Jaen’s door again. It’s shut. I stare at it, wondering, struggling. So much of me wants to open the door, to look in, to check if Jaen really is okay or not. To just be with him. I put a hand on his door, listening for anything.

“Are you okay?” The soft question slips into the silent air. I turn around, and find Aerin standing there. She has a very visible black eye. I nod, “Are you?”

She sighs and shrugs, then pulls me into hug. I reach out for her comfort, unsure if I can ever offer her any comfort at all. We stand there for a long time, just soaking in the peace of the silence. Finally Aerin lets go and answers my unspoken question, “He’s fine. Don’t disturb him.”

I give Jaen’s door a lingering glance before I follow Aerin upstairs. I’m nervous that I’ll see Ryna, but I didn’t need to. The house is undisturbed. I’m about to head into my room when Aerin taps my shoulder and motions for me to follow her into her room. Dread tickling the edges of my consciousness, I follow her.

Aerin’s room is a lot like mine, but with more papers pinned to the walls and sticky notes like stars scattered across one wall. Aerin grins when she sees me examining them, “Noveling is messy business.”

I surprise myself by laughing lightly, “Messy indeed.”

The moment of humor passes quickly through as Aerin sits down on her bed, patting the space beside her. I join her and she takes my hand in hers. I watch as she seems to struggle for the words. I don’t want to face what I know she’s about to ask. For the writer to not know what to say…it must be serious. Eventually she speaks, slowly, haltingly, “Zylin, do you…do you…like, no, do you love Jaen?”

The question hangs in the air between us. Even though I fully expected it, I can’t help but freeze and suck in a breath, as if I’ve been caught in some sort of crime. Aerin’s eyes search my face, and finally, against all my instincts, I answer her, “Yes.”

I can’t take it any longer. I can’t take trying to hide the full force of all my emotional turmoil. My single word answer is full of despair and resignation, but there is no doubt about it. I love Jaen.

Aerin sighs, “I thought that might be it. Why did you write that note though?”

“That’s the thing…I didn’t.”

Aerin’s eyes flash up to my face, “You…didn’t?”

“No, it wasn’t me. I’m not that…” I let the sentence trail.

Aerin remains silent, brooding. I promise her, “I swear it wasn’t me, Aerin. I wouldn’t lie to you. You know that.”

Aerin nodded, still musing, “I know. That’s what…this…this is very complicated.”

I can’t help but chuckle dryly, “Tell me about it.”

Aerin shakes her head, “How long?”

“I…don’t…I guess since when he found me. I just…didn’t realize it then.”

“Hmm…any idea who…?”

“No. I had no idea that anyone else even…I thought…”

“Thought our system was perfect?”

I shrug miserably, “I guess. Do…do you…?”

“I’m not entirely sure…there are a lot of…a lot of other girls out there.”

Aerin’s words make my stomach clench. A lot of other girls. I close my eyes, and inadvertently, tears slide down my cheeks. I feel Aerin’s cool fingers wiping them away, her voice soothing, “Oh Zy. I won’t tell you it’s going to be okay, because I don’t know. But I do know that I will be here for you. And…” She hesitates, as if unsure if she should say her next words, “Jaen…really likes you Zy. I don’t know if he loves you, but you mean a lot to him. Whenever you’re not here…it’s…it’s hard to explain. It’s as if he’s more carefree around you. Lighter. Less burdened. More natural. It’s easy to see why Ryna might be jealous of you.”

Aerin’s words send a whirlwind of thoughts racing through my mind. Ryna, jealous of me? How could it be that perfect, gorgeous Ryna could ever be…of me! And do I, do I really, mean that much to Jaen? Against the darkness of my eyelids I can see the day I returned to practice, the pain that contorted his face. My pain. His pain. Could it really be?

I taste the salt of my tears.