Drops in Oceans

Sometimes, it feels like each word is nothing more than a drop in the ocean. Even though they may add up to bucketfuls, in the end, they are still lost among billions, trillions of other words that jostle and shove and demand attention each day. Often what I write is trash. I never look at it again – it’s merely an assignment to be completed, void of passion. Just words on a page. Ink on paper. Even I know that.

A very wise person once told me that sincerity shows.

Yesterday, I was sharply reminded that it does. For some reason I had been thinking about the novel I had attempted for NaNoWriMo in 2010. That was one of the years I didn’t win, but the story line was something I quite loved. So I glanced over the first few pages of my prose – and I was hooked. It’s quite an experience to be intrigued and amazed by writing that I wrote myself. Certainly arrogant to a degree, and biased to another, but usually I lose my passion for my projects when I actually sit down to write them. Ideas that seem some beautiful and dreamy in my head turn out cumbersome in words. To make my words reflect the true essence of the story – that takes a lot of effort. But this story, When the Sky is Torn, written hastily and only to 25 thousands words or so, drew me back into the world that I had so loved. It wasn’t perfect, but it was sincere. It was an idea that I was in love with when I wrote it.

I haven’t sincerely written anything in months. I claim too much work, too much stress, too many other things to do, but now I wonder if it’s because somewhere along the line, something caused me to lose sight of the reason writing appealed to me so much. For a long time, writing had been a source of relief and catharsis, but all of the sudden it was a burden and a chore. Creativity doesn’t fly with well with the dead weights of expectations.

I’m not entirely sure how the shed the weight off my creativity. It’s much easier to pick it up than to put it down. I’m afraid that now it’s been attached, I’ll never take it off.

In When the Sky is Torn, one of my main characters, Yonaki, is haunted by his past. So haunted that even when everything he thought he lost is returned to him, he almost can’t deal with it. He can’t see past the shell of laws that he uses to protect himself.

He never overcomes his trials.

Because I didn’t write that far.

Maybe it’s time to set him free. Even drops in the ocean add up to something.

 

Weekly Post

Greetings invisible readers,

I haven’t really been doing much since the deluge of Broken Heart Shattered Dream posts. I’m almost done. One more part, but since it’s really intense, I don’t feel like sitting down to write it since it will take so long.

I’ve been slammed by work again, and there’s not much time for me to post once a week to two blogs at once while trying to write every day and keep up with my work. But since I should be posting at least once a week, this is my post for this week. Lame, I know.

But life is good. I’ve remembered how good my friends are to me. And I’ve made new friends, tightened the relationships with some people.

And I’ve been reminded of the goodness of people. I left my purse in the cafeteria and it was gone when I went back to check it. Turns out someone found it, looked for my name in it, and took the time to track me down and return in. I was so relieved because I had a lot of important things in my purse. I’m glad that people still struggle to do good deeds.

 

What I Learned at a Workshop

My severe lack of posting is due to my attendance of a writing workshop. I’m getting back on track with this, but I don’t think attending the workshop was worthless. This post is mainly meant for those that attended with me, but I believe the things I learned apply to more than just a community of writers.

 

I wasn’t entirely sure what I expected from the workshop when I first applied. It never really occurred to me that I might have a chance. And when I found out that I had been accepted…I still didn’t know. I guess I came with the basic assumption that I would learn more about writing. And I did. I learned all about plot and worldbuilding and characters and so much more. I really think I can say I am a better writer having gone through the workshop. But ask any one of the remarkable friends I made over the course of twelve days, and they’ll tell you that the workshop is really not just about the writing.

It really didn’t start that way though. On the very first day, I was really awkward. I hope I made a good impression of someone mildly interested, but the truth was that I felt as if I were a fish out of water. These people may have been my fellow writers, but they were as diverse as could be. But a lot can change in twenty four hours.

Day by day, the unease melted away. As I spent more and more time with people I soon came to realize were absolutely amazing, I found myself more comfortable. Perhaps it was the writing lectures, which helped bring into focus the one thing we were all connected by. Perhaps it was the conversations that built up familiarity and the beginnings of friendship. Perhaps it was the start of the sleep deprivation. Nothing makes you less conscious about how bad you might seem when you see zombies stumbling around in a completely incoherent manner. Whatever factors went into the building friendships, these friendships brought to me more than just friends.

I learned you can belong, even without remembering the names of people around you. I learned that if you want to make friends, you step forward and makes friends. I learned no matter how smart you are, there are people smarter still. I learned that there is still much goodness in the world. I learned that you can be severely hindered in life, and yet still shine with so much optimism that you can offer to lift others from their own struggles. I learned that you should never judge a person before you meet them. I learned that there is always someone willing to help. I learned things are much more fun with crazy people. I learned age is not a barrier to friendship. I learned not to be shy about who you are.

Most of all I learned this: What sleep?

 

Addled

So I found a Xanga of a particular friend of mine. Most of the entries are from middle school and what not, so quite a long time ago. They were a lot like my journal entries. At least, the ones that were far and few inbetween.

It makes me wonder if we were all so dense and addled as middle schoolers.

Anyways, so hopefully by the time I start the new semester I’ll be able to finish the first draft of my novel. That’s my goal!

 

Empathy

To my invisible readers,

Yes, I know, I’ve been a little lacking in posts for a few days now, especially since most of them were novella posts. Sorry, I’ve got lots of exams and project deadlines coming up this entire month.

I’ve actually been picking up my novel, The Shadow of Hope, again, so that also explains why there’s been a slow down. I’m crossing my fingers to have a first draft finished by the end of July. I had been thinking about changing the plot around, but when I did try to change it, the central points turned out essentially the same. So I get to keep slogging through. I’m around 74 000 words right now!

On another topic, I’m sure by now most Americans have heard the news: Osama Bin Laden is dead. At my school, the news was all the buzz. On the internet, it was even worse. Many people were rejoicing in the fact that this man was dead, shot through the head, his life extinguished. And although I do understand their fierce joy, their belief that justice has been served, I think that some people have taken it too far.

“But how can you take it too far?” Some might argue, “This man caused so much pain and death for so man around the world.”

But seeing all the people around me celebrate the death of a man just made me uncomfortable. Perhaps he truly thought what he was doing was right. Perhaps he might not have been entirely reasonable when creating his beliefs, but I hardly think anyone believes what they are doing is inherently wrong. The news reports said he had a wife. Children. Regardless of whatever atrocities he committed, regardless of what many might think, Bin Laden was still a man. He still had feelings. Love, joy, pain. Emotions that we share. What makes his feelings so inferior to ours? Do you not think there are people out there, mourning his death because they might have loved him?

When we lose the ability to empathize with other humans, to feel what they feel, whether it be pain or joy, that is when we begin to lose part of our humanity. There are other aspects to what make us human, certainly. The ability to reason, to restrain our instincts rather than follow them, to understand abstract concepts such as art. But empathy is just as important. Without it we lose who we are.

No, I don’t think that what Bin Laden did was right. No, I don’t think that should deserve life. He was a man who had taken the lives of so many. Justice had to be served. And yes, I do think that his death does deserve some measure of relief. But perhaps this sums it up best:

‎I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

 

The taste of failure

I know I’ve been missing off this blog for a little bit now. Not more than a week, but it still seems substantial to me. Regardless, I have returned, never fear my invisible readers! However, I am the bearer of terrible news! Well, actually, I have some pretty awesome news.

I quit. The emotional roller coaster is at a peak right now. I’ve returned to my previous euphoric state, and I am beautifully happy right now.

That’s right. I quit. National Novel Writing Month. I failed. At 28,000 words and halfway into my thanksgiving break I decided I wasn’t making good enough progress and quit. When the Sky is Torn will be temporarily ditched and replanned. I’m thinking of changing the point of view and twisting the plot a little more. I also need to develop the world of Cylenia better, which suprises me because I thought that I knew my world pretty well. As it turns out, I don’t. So there will have to be some more “research” on that. I will keep you all, my invisible readers, updated. I’ll also continue to keep you updated on my emotional life, whether you want it or not. White lines seem to work pretty well.

Next year for NaNoWriMo, I know what the plan is. 1667 words  a day. No exceptions. The muffinator was able to write 1667 words a day, and she’s the only one out of my creative writing group that is anywhere close to finishing. We are all counting on her to pull us through our depression. So. 1667 words a day, and I will make it again. It’s simply way too hard to make up words later on in the month. Those words do add up. I’ve really fallen head over heels for him. He’s such a gentleman, and there are those small things that make me think he cares.

So what, do you ask, am I going to do now? Well, I have two shop requests I need to wrap up, and another 100 page request to get cracking on. I also hope to fully write out Rising Harmony, and perhaps use it as an application story to a writing camp with TAMORA PIERCE. Tamora Pierce has ever been my idol of writing, and working with her would be simply shocking beyond belief. Like whenever another guy says something that’s even mildly threatening, he gets defensive.

Actually, let me tell you about Rising Harmony. Rising Harmony is a long-short story that I’m writing that is part of a series of long-short stories that I may consider publishing together eventually. The series is based around a world that is pressed against the Shadow Kingdom, which often bleeds into the world, causing bouts of perpetual darkness and the spawning of creatures called Shadows that prey upon the inhabitants of the world. It’s one of my favorite concepts. What the Sun Looks Like and Forever Forsaken are two previous installments in this world. Forever Forsaken is chronologically earlier than What the Sun Looks Like. It’s adorable. I absolutely love it. And when he reaches for my hand and says “mine” with that stunning smile. Or texts me good morning.

So those will be my projects. Oh, I also am considering continuing Broken Heart, Shattered Dream. Even though the problem that it stemmed from is gone, I think I will rewrite it simply for the sake of doing it. So failure tastes like…freedom? And love tastes like…I actually have no idea. Something glorious…ambrosia.

 

Drunk~!

Because that’s totally me, you know? I’m going to go out to a bar and drink myself silly.

That was a joke, by the way. I joke with my friends that I should get handcuffs and handcuff them on the ride home from parties. Because I’m basically pretty much the designated driver, and knowing my friends…

Right, so beyond their irresponsibilities, I’m very happy right now. “Drunk” on giddiness, if you will. Hence the ridiculous title for this post. I mean, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t happy before (I know, it didn’t seem like it), but for that one “issue” my life was (and still is) really amazing. And it just got much better.

Not only that, National Novel Writing Month 2010 is here~! When the Sky is Torn is officially off to a start, although I haven’t typed up any words right now, so I couldn’t tell you how much I’ve written. By hand, a page front and back, plus a half. Not too bad.

Yup, so now I’m going to go do my homework so that I can boost my word count.

 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

So, yet another random post from the ever amazing ever rambling Toxias. Since most of my updates have been random info stuff, I’d figure I’d do ahead and be selfish and give an update on my status in life. And of course, the status of my writing.

So, me. I’ve been blindsided by school. It smacked me to the ground and left me for dead. Basically. There’s a lot of work, and I’ve been getting 6.5 hours of sleep. Sounds not too bad, right? Well, it is for me. I like my 8 hours + thank you very much. My weekends are life gifts. Wonderful gifts. But even then homework is like “come back to me…come back to reality stupid…” Yeah, so, I mean, I’m surviving, but not amazingly. I’m pretty content, but who couldn’t use more free time?

As for writing, I am extremely psyched about NaNoWriMo ’10, When the Sky is Torn. I’m having beautiful plot surges, but I need to string together my events coherently so they’re not just skip skip skip. Still, it’s only early September. I’ve got lots of time. Curse myself for starting in mid August. xD Yes, so, very exciting. I’ll keep you guys [non existant, you guys, anywas] posted as November comes around. My birthday is in November! :3

Random. Ahem. So, Shadow of Hope is at a standstill due to other writing projects. As in, my shop on Gaia. I’m going to close down as soon as I finish all of my requests, barring the fact that I don’t get any new, exciting requests. I’ve also gotten some beautiful inspiration points from going around the forums and just from daily life and other people’s work in general. Writing Club is going spectacular. I’m very excited.

Um…what else? Oh, Broken Heart Shattered Dream. This has kind of been my filler novella. I definitely plan on finishing it, but at this moment it is on hold because I need to finish The Shadow of Hope and When the Sky is Torn in November. However, I promise that I will finish Broken…someday. It’s kind of a sentimental project, and the problems and emotions that spurred it on have settled and calmed. They’re still there, but not as prominant.

But yeah. I haven’t had a lot of time to do much writing since the school year started back up. It’s some tough stuff now. Weekends are my major words producers, and I need to focus a lot on projects that are on deadlines. I need to have two thirty page requests finished by the beginning of October. Originally I would say, “Oh, no problem. Sixty pages, no big deal.” Yet with all this work and only being able to write on the weekends, things aren’t looking so great. Roleplaying has been cut to four minorly consistant roleplays. I would consider dropping the hobby entirely, but I know I won’t be able to stay away, and I’ve got some great friends. Anyways, this is why this post is titled as such, because I really miss all my writing time.

On an upbeat note, I’ve got friends who are very interested [er, rather, just interested] in my noveling progress with The Shadow of Hope. That’s really encouraging.

And…bloop. So I was going to say something about my hilarious math teacher, but I’m still nursing sore wounds about missing a stupid question on a quiz. That’s not really the reason, but I need to actually go do my homework instead of wasting my time here.

So, au revoir.

Edit: Ah! I remembered what I was going to write about. It wasn’t the math stuff, it was the water dispenser in the refrigderator. We broke it several months ago, almost a year now, I think. Somewhere along the line, someone fixed it to a semi-normal state so we no longer had to push the lever with one hand and hold the cup away from the dispenser in order not to get sprayed. Well, yesterday, it broke again. And I, being completely unsuspecting, pushed the lever with the cup. The water shot straight over the rim and soaked by shirt. That was a lovely experience. And the thing is, I keep forgetting! Even though I’ve long developed the skills of operating the broken dispenser with just one hand xD

 

Crying Awake

So, the night before last, I woke up crying. It wasn’t that I had a terrible day or anything previously, I was just crying. Not tearing up, but actual tears-down-the-face crying. I wasn’t crying myself to sleep, I was crying myself awake. Weird, huh? Well, I thought it was an enlightening experience.

The dream I was having before I woke up dealt with four [maybe rive?] sisters, I being one of them. Apparently I was one of them, and one of the sister had gotten lost in either a) a mysterious realm or b) time. So I was the one who elected to go save her. Everyone was like, “No, it’s tooo dangerous. You can’t go. We can’t bear to lose another sister.” So I snuck away without them knowing. Then it was super long time skip when I returned with the lost sister, and everyone was estatic. And that’s about the momet that I woke up, tears of joy/sorrow running down my face. It felt so strange.

But isn’t that just testimony to how powerful emotions are? Even in a dream, when events and people are fuzzy and can come and go past the borders of reality, emotion is steadfast and prevalent. This is the first time I’ve found myself crying awake, so that was strange.

I dunno, it just doesn’t sound that good here, but it was a huge experience for me. Kind of like an epiphany, but not that extreme, I guess. Anyways, though I’d share my odd experience with you.

My shop is running slow, but I’ve got five or so big requests that I’m working on. I’m also really hoping to finish The Shadow of Hope before NaNoWriMo, but I can’t see that happening with all the school work I’m getting. Yeah, but When the Sky is Torn is coming along with plot and such. I’m realy excited about writing this, and I hope that I can write it and pick up Shadow of Hope after it without losing enthusiasm for either novel.

Yup, so that’s about it. I’ll link up my shop and my samples page here when I feel like it. xD So, I’m going out to eat lunch now. Bye!

 

Liquid Sunshine

You know, I felt like giving you guys another new random post. I’ve been working hard on my shop in gaia, and it’s almost shocking how fast it sucks the life out of you, having a shop. So, since the school year is starting soon I’m closing down the request numbers and lowering it to five. I’ve got some really long requests.

In anycase, I also an starting up on NaNoWriMo. My plan is to do “When the Sky is Torn” one of my old roleplays that frankly I haven’t been able to let go! And so I’m turning it into a novel with my roleplay characters smack in the middle of all the action. I adore my cuties. :3 I also adore this new smilie.

Continuing on this rant, I definently am not going to finish The Shadow of Hope by the end of summer, so I’m aiming to finish it by October so I can focus safely on my NaNoWriMo. So, cheer me on! I’ve got 65,000 words or so right now, so yay for novels!

And of course, you’re wondering why I titled this “Liquid Sunshine.” Well, because I’ve been immersing myself in roleplaying lately, and someone wrote their post that an orange was like liquid sunshine. And I adore oranges. So that stuck with me. Speaking of which, I need to update my character lists…and all the links XD *sigh* So…I’ll get to that soon. I’ve just joined another epic roleplay by my friend Erethia. Yup yup so…

Ramble ramble. Good bye!